stay with me
by buriedinthoughts
Summary: Katniss is finding things hard, living her future after her past is difficult. Peeta is struggling, he's trying to deal with flashbacks and the unknown. They know that deep down, their feelings are strong towards one another, but can they work things out, after all they've been through? Post MockingJay, Katniss POV.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

**Katniss and Peetas story post Mocking Jay.**

**I do not own hunger games, and this story is just how I imagine things to be when Peeta and Katniss try to rebuild their lives. My own ideas, but the general idea has been written many of times.**

**My first fanfic, all reads, reviews, follows and favourites are appreciated:-)**

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Only yesterday I was awoken by the sound of my screaming.  
Again.  
I had thrashed around in the tangle of my sheets, whilst I cried and shouted out for Peeta, for his strong arms and calming reassurances that it was only another nightmare, that it hadn't been real.  
I had struggled, and broken free of the bed clothes. It had taken me a few moments to realise that Peeta wasn't there.  
I had shouted out his name, and hoped to hear a call back from the kitchen. My heart sank, the moment the words fell from my mouth I knew there would be no reply.

I need to stop doing this, I had told myself. He's not here.

Over the last few months, I have spent my days trying to rebuild my life, and having Peeta there has been the icing on the cake, quite literally. He's helped me more than I can ever admit.  
At first we stayed away, worried at one another's actions and what would lead from them. We kept things mutual and hardly saw eachother; he'd be busy baking and I would be wallowing in self pity. But eventually we grew closer, we began to rely on each other and we looked out for one another once again. I just wish that now I could say the same. Deep down, I cling on to the idea that somewhere inside both of us those feelings still exist. That one day, what happened that night will be forgotten, and that I will have my Peeta back. Because, for the second time - although we promised ourselves it wouldn't - we've lost eachother again, perhaps for ever. But I can't afford to think like that, because only I know what it feels like to loose him, and it's not a feeling that I like, to say the least.

Since that night, instead of sorting myself out, I had sat, not moving. Just thinking. Thinking of her. Thinking of him. Thinking of all the misery and death I have caused. The only time my mind had wandered was during my nightmares, that only seemed to be getting worse and worse.

It was only one spring morning that I was filled with a longing, longing to breathe fresh air and longing to feel the spring breeze across my skin. I guided my deteriorated body up the stairs, peeled my clothes off and sat in the shower. I allowed the hot silky water to wash away my anger, guilt and sadness. My sister is dead, even though I tried so hard to save her. I have lost my best friend, Gale, whom I will most probably never see again. Peeta, who is only metres away from my house feels a million miles away. And to top it all off, everything from my past still haunts me.  
I drag myself from the bathroom, put on some clean clothes and make my way to the front door.

I haven't been out in so long that my lungs have a difficulty taking in all the fresh air. I stand there, inhaling the smells deeply and I loose myself in the beauty of the flowers.  
The flowers.  
Primroses.  
Wild primroses, dotted all over my front lawn.  
My mind spins, my stomach turns, my body shakes and before I can grab the door, my body slams on to the stone just below my front door.

It takes me a while to realise where I am. Lying, unmoved from the hard stone step just centimetres from my front door. The sun has gone and I'm left staring into the darkness, shivering and aching. I must've been here for hours, my body is fixed solid like the stone I lie on. There's no one here taking care of me, I'm paralysed, and unnoticed, with my head thumping uncontrollably. I slide my arm up towards my temple, then recoil it fast when my hand dabbles in my blood. An open wound. Panic surges through me, I'm unable to move, I scream. Scream and scream because it seems to be the only thing I'm capable of lately. Just as I'm about to pass out, someone kneels beside my body, speaking to me but I hear nothing. I'm staring into eyes, eyes so familiar but yet so unknown. I don't resist when a strong pair of arms scoop me up, and just before I pass out, I let myself remember just a small detail about this person.  
His blonde hair.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for all the reads, it means a lot:-) **

**another cliff edge ending chapter sorry, but hoping to bring it more to life soon!**

**enjoy!**

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**Chapter 2**

I woke up cuddled in my duvet, and I almost instantly knew why I had ended up here and knowing partially how. I sat up, and other than the initial feeling of dizziness I felt rested and well.

I headed towards the shower and gazed into the mirror, my eyes were still puffy from waking only a few minutes ago, but otherwise I looked fine. I noticed the gash in my head from falling, and relaxed when I realised that it was healing well, not yet scabby but not juicy or bloody either.

I undressed and showered, running my fingers through my hair, I remembered my last episode. I ran through the turn of events, from the spring breeze to the fainting, to my awaking. My mind froze on a particular memory, his blonde hair.

Without a moment of doubt I knew who that person had been, the person who no matter what has happened or happens, will always be there to look out for me, with this a wave of guilt passes through me.

Peeta.

How many times could I say that I'd been there for him? Not many.

About twenty minutes later, I had stepped from my front door, my mind not even wandering to the primroses that had unsettled me so much on my last trip out.

I soon found myself knocking at Peetas' front door, it felt odd standing there, let alone knocking, after all, it's something neither of us had ever bothered with.

No answer.

I had figured that now, in the late morning, that he would have nearly finished his baking, and that I wouldn't be interrupting him. Seems there would be nothing to bother today.

I cautiously opened the door, and called out for him, his name catching in my throat.

No reply.

I turned and walked out. Sensing a partly drunken man before I saw him.

"What you doing?" Haymitch asked.

"I was um, just looking for Peeta." I stuttered.

Haymitch must've noticed that we hadn't been spending much time together recently? I can't see how something so obvious as spending time with eachother on a regular basis and then suddenly not, would've escaped his knowledge. I was thankful though, when he didn't pick up on the matter.

"Ah the boy, haven't seen him since yesterday. As for you sweetheart, you are looking slightly better than when I last saw you. Mind you, sleeping for over two days would transform many people, maybe you should try it more often." Haymitch commented.

When did Haymitch see me? Had I really been out for over two days? How did he know? Questions swarmed around my head, and I realised Haymitch's last remark was an insult. Instead of retorting, I walked off, not in the mood for Haymitchs drunken ignorance.

I knew I had to find Peeta, but it dawned on me that maybe I wasn't ready just yet?

No, I told myself, there's no point delaying this. I've missed him, and I'm not denying this, but he needs to know how much I appreciate him looking after me still, and maybe I might have a chance to apologise for not making contact with him earlier. Maybe.

I decided upon a walk into town, which was probably not one of my best ideas considering I've apparently been out for the past few days, but I couldn't stand going back into my empty and lonely house.

I avoided contact with anyone, and kept my head down. I occasionally stopped to look at the new district developments and the rebuilding that was taking place, but I couldn't say I was very interested today.

I called in on Hazelle shortly, I hadn't been hunting recently, so instead I dropped some coins on the table. I was aware Gale was providing for his family, after all he now had a well paid job in one of the big districts, but I still wanted to offer some of my money.

I was thankful to Hazelle, for not bringing Gale up in conversation. Even though myself and Gale weren't mean't to be together; even after everything, the war, Peeta and the death of my sister by the bomb he made... I still missed him, I didn't miss him in a romantic or his kisses sort of way, but I missed him, I missed my hunting partner and I missed my best friend. In some strange way, I think Hazelle understood this.

There was no sign of Peeta when I wandered back to the village, and I didn't bother checking at his house. Instead I sat down at the table in my kitchen, reached out for the phone and rang my mother.

She didn't answer, this was not unusual though, she was working and was very busy at the hospital.

I left a message:

"Hi mum, it's me, Katniss. I, um, hope you're okay and you're, uh, not working to hard..." I paused. "I, I, I, miss you mum. I miss you and I miss..." My voice trailed off, and I was unable to speak. I didn't finish my sentence though, because she would know who I meant, and no doubt she would be missing her too.

"well, I'll speak to you soon."

I hung up, placed the phone back on the hook, and dropped my head into my arms on the table.

I stayed there for a while, not even thinking, my mind blank and emotionless. I let the heat of the day stick to my skin.

The door clicked, I kept my head in my arms, uninterested, it was probably Sae coming to check I was eating properly anyway.

That was, until I felt their eyes upon me, a person stood there in my kitchen door way.

I looked up.

There he was, grave face, staring towards me.

_Peeta_.


	3. Chapter 3

_****_**Thank you so much for all the reads!**

**I appreciate it so much:-)**

**hope you like the latest chapter. **

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Our eyes locked in each others gaze.

For a moment, I imagined him smiling, like nothing happened and then apologising for what did. This time, properly though, not in the form of a scribbled note pushed under my front door the morning after.

He kept direct eye contact and said with an edge "Haymitch said you were looking for me."

My stomach clenched.

I wanted to jump up and run into his arms, and for us to hold each other like we used too. He didn't realise, but I knew that it wasn't him, the broken soul that controlled him that night. I knew it wasn't him, I wanted to believe it wasn't him.

My voice came out cold and hard, "yes. Yes I was."

"Well, what did you have to say.." his voice was just as icy, he paused before saying sarcastically "katniss?"

Oh he wasn't asking for an apology was he? No, it happened because of what he said, if he hadn't of said it, I wouldn't have said what I did either.

"Oh, I can't see that it matters much anymore, Peeta." I replied, I was angry but underneath I was falling to pieces, I tried to hide my emotions, why was this even happening?

I searched his eyes, they were perfectly clear. This meant that he wasn't suffering from a flash back and his actions were nothing to do with what Snow had inflicted upon him. It also meant that he must remember what happened, I don't know, because it varies, sometimes he remembers what he did during a flashback, sometimes not. Oh he remembered this one though, I could see it, he remembered everything I had said, well I just hope he remembers what he said aswell.

He then said quietly "so is that all?" a ringing of disappointment that he was so obviously trying to hide, echoed through his bitterness.

I just stared into space, I heard him turn to go, and I called after him, "next time I'm lying unconscious somewhere, please, don't waste any of your precious time on me" I paused. With as much bitterness as I could muster I said "I don't need your help."

My heart was crying, what was I doing?

Peeta turned around slowly, "oh no, sweetheart," he said mimicking Haymitchs' phrase with malice "...you got the wrong guy. You're right. I wouldn't and I won't waste my time on you." And with that he turned, walked out, the door slamming behind him

"Peeta" My voice croaked.

Too late.

I ran upstairs, furious with myself, my anger quickly turned to tears of raging emotions and I sat on the floor, rocking forward and back, forward and back.

Peeta didn't help me. It wasn't him.

How could I have been so stupid?

I stormed straight into Haymitchs' house, finding him sat in the dining room as usual, not passed out drunk though, which was a good thing.

"Why didn't you tell me that it was you who helped me? Not Peeta!" I shouted at him.

"When you were unconscious on your front doorstep? Yeah that was me, not your beloved, sorry to disappoint sweetheart." He replied.

"He is not my beloved."

"You know, considering I made sure you were okay, and then checked on you to see how you were after your accident, a thank you would mean alot."

I dropped my head. "I'm sorry Haymitch. Thanks. I didn't.. I thought it was Peet-" his name caught in my throats and I looked at my feet. "Thanks, anyway."

I walked a few steps before Haymitchs' voice called out again. "I've just seen the boy. Terrible state, worse than you. Sort it out, sweetheart." And then as an after thought he added, "or I'll sit you both down and hold some counselling sessions." He smirked.

I sat on the edge of my bed, glistening in cold sweat. I had had another nightmare, in which Peeta had told me how much he hated me and that he wished I was dead. The Capitol had got hold of this detail and rushed me back to the games, in an arena on my own; Peeta was head gamemaker and the games wouldn't end until I was dead.

"I'm so sorry Peeta" I whispered through the darkness.

I thought back to the last time he was here. The night, since which we haven't spoken, or hadn't until this morning.

Peeta had been staying just as he had for a while. Falling asleep in eachothers arms, kept the nightmares away. Only that night had been different. I had got into my bed and snuggled close to him.

He then had said "no Katniss, get off."

It had taken me by surprise, the rejection stung. I just replied with a questionable "what?"

He pulled is arm away from my shoulders and pushed me away.

I had looked up at him through the darkness and could've sworn his eyes were clear, as if he wasn't having a flashback. But this was definitely not Peeta.

"Peeta, what's wrong?" I had asked.

"You, Katniss. Can't you see? It's all you!" He had shouted out the last word and it had rung in my ears.

He lay back down. I moved away from him slowly, until I had been right over on the other side of the bed. My eyes had brimmed with tears and one had slowly rolled down my face.

I had opened my eyes and sat up, Peeta had turned the light on. His eyes were definitely clouded, I could see them then.

"Why are you even crying? You have nothing to cry about you you-" he had shouted.

I had tried to calm him, but it was unsuccessful.

He had shouted again, this time louder, "DO YOU HAVE FLASHBACKS OF PEOPLE TORTURING YOU?

ARE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE YOU HAVE, bDRUNKEN MESSES OR UNSTABLE?

DID YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS ONLY PRETENDING TO LOVE YOU?

ARE ALL YOUR FAMILY, WHO NEVER LOVED YOU ANYWAY, DEAD?!" A silent tear had fallen from his eye, he had cried angry tears.

My cheeks glowed red, not with embarrassment but fury.

"No you're right." my tears had been cool agains my burning face. "I haven't had all of that, Peeta. But I have it harder than many other people our age."

A flicker of recognition crossed his face. "Oh yeah. Your sister is dead and so is your dad." His voice cold. "Oh, I'm sorry, Katniss. Did that hurt?" He had asked, not sorry at all.

This is not Peeta, I had tried to tell myself.

This isn't Peeta.

I still had to restrain myself from smacking him.

"You. You are not the only one with problems Peeta, okay? I try so hard to help you, but maybe you are right, maybe you are a monster. Beyond help and beyond saving. Even though you're the ill one Peeta, don't forget that two can play this game."

He had just stood there, eyes still clouded, and he had worn a blank expression.

I mimicked what he had said "oh, I'm sorry, Peeta. Did that hurt?"

Before he had had time to shout at me, I had grabbed a jumper off the end of my bed and walked towards the door. I had heard him say one last thing, "that's right, go on run. Maybe it's not too late for Gale, if you can forgive him for killing your sister, it was the only reason you didn't choose him anyw-" and I hadn't heard what he said after that, I had run and run, until I had found my lake in the woods. It was the only place I felt alone, alone and free.

I lay back down in bed, hugging my pillow for comfort. Oh Peeta, I thought, why can't things ever be simple for us?


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for the reads guys, reviews would be appreciated... Like to know what you think of the story so far!:-)**

**this chapter is a bit shorter than the others sorry!**

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I kept busy over the next few days, I was telling myself that I was giving him time to cool off, but I knew inside that I was just avoiding Peeta, because right now, I didn't want to make things any worse. I knew that soon enough though, I would have to talk to him.

One morning, I got up, cooked some breakfast, showered and made my way into town.

It was reasonably quiet for late morning, only the odd house swarming with people helping the rebuilding.

I visited Sae, and thanked her for helping me and looking after me when I arrived back from the Capitol. She assured me that it was absolutely fine, but only now am I realising what a mess I was in.

Depressed, grieving and unreachable.

People had put up with all of this, just so they could help me somehow.

I apologised for not coming and thanking her sooner, and left.

I reached Hazelles house, and almost as soon as I opened the door, Rory was there, ready for me to take him hunting.

I had forgotten all about taking Gales' younger brother out into the woods with me, and I had merely came to say hello.

Nonetheless I took him hunting with me, we only managed to shoot a squirrel before we had to come back, but it was more than I had expected for Rory's first time hunting. His smile, just like Gales, proved how happy he was. Gale would've been proud, Rory was a natural, just like he was.

I stopped for a cup of tea before saying goodbye. Promising to take Rory hunting again soon, and also show him how to skin a squirrel, as I had done before I left.

I stepped out into the warm evening breeze, the sun was setting above the trees and the sky was a beautiful orange and pink combination. My mind immediately turned to Peeta, and how he loves the orange colour of the sunset. My heart jolting at the thought.

I turned around to look back across the houses, and all three of Gales' siblings, Rory, Vick and little Posy, were all sat on the window ledge, beaming and waving goodbye towards me.

I could not help but think, that if mine and Gales situations were switched, and I had created the bomb that killed his little brother, who he had so desperately tried to save, then he would never have been able to forgive me.

And I knew I would've never been able to forgive myself either.

I waved back towards the three children, a smile spreading across my face. I could not even remember the last time I smiled properly like this, or even it feeling this real.

Today had been so simple, but so normal, it felt as if everything was finally going to be okay.

I slowly walked back towards my house, watching the sun, feeling the breeze blow my hair, and taking in the beauty of the day.

I stopped abruptly, my thoughts halted and my eyes focused on him.

Peeta.

He was walking just ahead, on his way home, and it was too late for me to run.

This is it, I thought to myself, before walking a bit faster to catch him up.

Peeta heard me, turned around to look, then stopped.

Our eyes meeting.

"Peeta," I swallowed. "I'm so-"

"No Katniss." He began saying. Panic rushed through me, this is it, I thought, exactly what he started saying before.

He carried on, "I'm the one who should be sorry," his clear blue eyes, filling with tears. "I didn't mean what I said, I, I, I just can't control it. I'm trying, I really am. I'm a monster Katniss, just like you said. Everything, the morning when I was so cold with you, and the night when I just lost it, I'm sorry for it all. I'm sorry."

He wasn't crying, but he trembled. I searched his eyes, fear. His face, tired, drawn and gaunt. He looked so ragged.

My own emotions shook, relief, sadness, guilt. I tried to make sense of it, he remembered everything?

He wasn't having a flashback when we talking in the kitchen, yet he was still vile.

But, my actions were not the cause of flashbacks either, and I was just as bad as he was.

I tried to speak, my voice catching in my throat. I looked away.

"I didn't mean what I said. I was angry. We were angry. I'm sorry." Before I could stop, I took a step towards him.

Peeta.

My Peeta.

The boy with the bread.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you for all the views, means a lot. More reviews would be brilliant though!**

**quite a dramatic chapter, enjoy:)**

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I stood, staring at him, our faces only inches away.  
Deep down, in his eyes that were so hurt, I saw him, I saw the old Peeta.  
He stepped back, "no Katniss, I can't do this, I'll ruin everything. I can't do that to you. I'll make everything worse."  
He looked towards me, then lowered his voice and said, "I don't want to hurt you."  
My eyes filled with tears, and I whispered back to him, "you won't hurt me, I promise." However strong I wanted to appear, it wasn't working.

A tear tumbled down my cheek and I avoided his gaze.  
Peetas' words sunk in.  
But this isn't mean't to happen, I thought to myself, he was always my Peeta? Is everything we ever had, been crushed so badly, that it's beyond repair?

Peeta looked over, before stepping towards me, catching me off guard and I tremble. For a tiny moment, I'm scared.  
I hold my breath and he raises his hand to my cheek, wiping away my flow of tears. A distant, weak smile, laden with despair crossed his face.  
He tucked a loose strand of my hair behind my ear and looked down at me.

I glance up into his eyes, with just enough time to see them filled with sadness and his face, broken and blank.  
I slowly rest my head against his shoulder, and breathe a sigh of relief when he brings me in closer, stroking my hair and holding me close.  
My heart is pounding, dreading the moment I have to let go.  
Just knowing that this will probably be the last time he holds me like this, makes my eyes tempt my tears.

We stay there holding eachother, sun going down and night drawing in.

After a while he slowly releases me, and I panic.  
"Peeta, please, please, don't leave me." I'm fighting to keep the tears back. "Don't go."  
He looked away, then back again, "Katniss-"  
"No, no, don't. You hurting me more this way than you ever could. Please, don't, don't go."  
I felt my chest tighten, but my heart was still thumping rapidly against my rib cage. By now the tears were coming down both of our faces, the hurt we both felt at having to say goodbye.  
This can't be the end I kept thinking. It just can't be.

And before I could say another word, he took my face in his hands and kissed me.  
Our faces wet with tears, everything so desperate, powerful and filled with longing.  
Longing for our situation to be different. Longing for everything to be changed, no flashbacks, no nightmares and no hauntings from our past, nothing blocking us away from being happy.  
If only things had been different.

It had been such a long time since we had been this close, a long time since we'd kissed, but inside I didn't feel happy.  
I knew this was the end, he was trying but struggling to let go, just as I was.

We broke away.  
"I had to do that," he started, "one last time."  
"Peeta-"  
"I'm so sorry Katniss. I can't do this. I love you too much to hurt you."  
He looked straight towards me, waiting for my reaction. Then faced away.

Painful tears stung my cheeks and I tried to focus my breathing which only seemed to be getting more difficult.  
A lump appeared in my throat, and I managed to choke out amongst the tears, "Peeta, please. Tell me that kiss meant something? Please." I begged.

"It did." His face so hollow and empty. "It was a kiss goodbye." His voice, filled with sadness, and after one last look over his shoulder, he was gone.  
His tears, still fresh on the ground, his warmth still hanging around my body, his voice, ringing in my ears.  
He was gone.

I fell to the ground. Crying, weeping, sobbing.  
His broken face, alive with sadness, still formed before my eyes.  
How he thought that leaving me would be better, leaving me would be better than hurting me.  
Oh Peeta.

If only you knew.  
If only you properly knew how much I cared for you.  
You'd soon realise that you weren't doing me any favours by going. None at all.

I sat in the shower the next morning, my body aching and my eyes swollen.  
Last night I had made my way home slowly. After stumbling and crashing into my house and up the stairs, I had got into bed without a second thought of changing.  
My sheets were filthy, grubby, and I had left trails of mud up the stairs.

Only to be topped off by how broken I looked and felt.  
I had cried myself to sleep last night, for the first time in months. I felt weak, and defeated.

I wanted nothing better than someone to come and hug me, tell me everything was going to be okay. My mother would do, or Hazelle or even Haymitch if it came to it.  
But no one would be able to fix it, no one expect Peeta.

I sat, hot water gushing over my body, cleaning, warming, and most importantly, hiding my tears from the unknown.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you for the reads, would love some feedback, see what people think?**

**hope you like the latest chapter:-)**

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Days passed.

I wouldn't even be able to tell how many.

Since my evening with Peeta, I have been broken, totally broken. If I had been chopped to tiny pieces I think I would be in less pain.

I'm even more broken than when I was before I started healing, I am as far gone as what I was before I left for home from the Capitol.

Although then, I thought the chances of getting better were slim, but now they seem impossible.

Back to square one.

This is a different type of pain, unlike the pain of injury or that of loosing a loved one, the type I'm used to.

There are no physical scars, and from the outside, to the onlookers, you look fine.

The damage is beneath, where no one can see. No one can tell, and no one can understand how it feels, to be too broken inside to even see the benefits of waking up in the morning.

It's worse than grieving over the dead, at least then, as much as you try, you know you can't reach them. They're gone.

But this, this feeling, is the opposite. It's seeing what you lost, and it still being there, where you lost it.

Only now, you can't reach it. It's just beyond your reach, just beyond you're words, just beyond your retrieving.

You can do nothing but look at it. Wanting to change your actions.

Wishing you could save it.

But it's all too late.

I drift in and out of sleep, and with sleep comes nightmares, rarely but occasionally offering a good dream.

I class having a dream, that when I wake, I'm not crying or screaming, as a good dream.

Good dreams in which I take a walk through the woods with my father during summer time or I see Prim, and she tells me she's happy, and safe now. Or when Peeta tells me he loves me.

The last dream had been real. He did.

And even though that dream makes me happy when I wake, that feeling is quickly replaced with longing that turns to hurt and sadness, and complete exhaustion with my state, once more.

Waking up after yet another dream of happy times with Peeta, I think to myself, these good dreams are worse than the nightmares.

The good dreams, they give you a false sense of security. They trick you to believe something is good, and that you are okay.

But, they are not true, and they are not real.

And they make waking up and living reality almost impossible, heart wrenchingly difficult and painful.

A week or so passed, and after various failed attempts of carrying on, failed attempts of seeing reason and failed attempts of forgetting, I decided today I was going to do something.

It may only be little, but I needed to get out, I wasn't helping myself by staying cooped up in here.

I needed to run, to get away.

It was early, and I wasn't yet hungry, instead I packed some food in a bag, pulled my hair into a plait and made my way outside. I was thankful no one was up to see my departure.

When I was out of sight from the Victors Village, I slowed down, still wheezing from the fast pace.

I ambled across town towards the woods.

I decided that, although I was long overdue taking Rory out hunting, I couldn't do that. I needed some space today. And spending hours and hours with the little brother of a man who loved me and whom I could've been happy with right now, would not be a good thing.

Would Gale have stayed away for my safety and happiness? I thought to myself. I already knew the answer.

For the answer is why he's not here now.

Although that's only partly true, the main reason Gale is not here, is because I pushed him away.

I decide, there and then, that even though things might not be working with Peeta currently, I wouldn't want Gale to take his place anyway.

My love for Gale is a totally different one from my love for Peeta.

I loved Gale like a brother.

But I was in love with Peeta.

I am in love with Peeta.

And all at once, I realised why I had been feeling like this, everything finally fitted into place.

From the moment he walked away from me, tears rolling down my face, and from all my emotions since. I realised, which I should've done much, much sooner.

I am in love with Peeta.

I don't just care for him and he's not just a friendly neighbour, or a fellow tribute turned victor, neither is he just my best friend or just someone I couldn't live without.

He is holding a special place in my heart, a place for someone you love so dearly, that you would die for them, or risk your own safety to protect them. You'd do anything to protect them.

Another thought crosses my mind. Peeta must love me. Still. I cling to this thought.

Why else would he stay away in order to protect me, from himself?

A memory resurfaces, and I remember him saying, 'I love you too much to hurt you'.

I had overlooked that, overlooked it all.

He loves me.

Of course he does. I knew that he used to, all through our first games and second. I never thought he felt like that, well and truly, still.

Now I've realised that I do love him, his love has a whole new feeling.

I've been traipsing through the woods for hours now, and I don't think I've ever been this far. Everything looks so unfamiliar.

I sit myself down, and out of my bag I pull out some apples and some bread.

How long have I been in love with Peeta? I ask myself, and it seems impossible to put a point on it, it's come along steadily, but I do know that I have cared for him since fate brought us together for the games. Fate.

I do love Peeta.

Still overcome with my revelation, I lean against a tree and let my mind have a rest.

I close my eyes, and remind myself when I get back to visit him.

Life's too short to be falling out with someone you love. And especially someone who doesn't realise.

I drift off with a smile on my face.

I wake up, and fear pounces upon me, almost instantly. Where am I?

It's dark and the trees loom over me dangerously.

I look down at my bag and unfinished apple, brown and shrivelled.

I've been asleep.

It must be late now, I'm stumbling rapidly, as fast as I'm able to move, my body suffocating with dread.

I've never been out this late in the woods, let alone this far into them. I run, not even knowing whether I'm heading in the right direction for home.

Surely if someone realises I'm gone, they'll come and find me? I think to myself.

But that thought is suddenly pushed from my mind.

No one saw me leave.

And for the past week I have not left the house once, no one has seen me and no one has checked on me.

As far as anyone knows, I'm tucked in my bed, in danger from only my nightmares.

Terror wraps itself around my like a snake.

But it appears that that is the least of my worries.

In my panic, I've staggered and slipped forward into an old stone pit.

I land, crushing my arm under my weight as I put it out to save myself.

Smacking my head hard against the wood, I fall over, desperately trying to hold on to my consciousness.

Cold sweat is coating my body, blind panic and dangerous thoughts swim around my head.

I attempt to scream, but I know, I know there will be no one to answer me, no one to save me.

I raise my head, just enough to locate areas of searing pain, and just enough to see a light. A light somewhere above me.

I try to reach out, but my arm won't move.

I'm dying, I think.

I'm dying, without telling Peeta I love him, without saying goodbye to my family.

The light comes closer.

I had tried so hard to keep my eyes open, in the fear that if I were to close them, I would loose consciousness, but now I let them slowly shut, and think of only my family, Peeta and happy memories.

I lie there, unable to push the idea of dying without Peeta knowing I love him, out of my mind.

My arm throbs and my head bangs, and the light just comes closer and closer.

Im going.

I just manage to whisper "Peeta, I love you" through my lips before I let go.


	7. Chapter 7

**This hasn't been one of my favourites to write, but I hope you like it! another dramatic one, as always!**

**enjoy:-)**

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My eyes opened.

The sun was streaming through the trees and blinding me. The light was not unlike the one that shone before me as I let go.

A sudden realisation springs to my head and causes it to throb.

I'm not dead.

My body commences with pain that demands to be felt, a punishment for not being dead.

The light forces my eyes closed and ever so gently I push my body over and away from the direct sunlight.

Pain soared through my body and I lay there, cold and vulnerable.

It must've been the early morning sun shining through the darkness that triggered me to believe I was dying.

If only.

The pain in my left arm became almost unbearable and my head throbbed, though not as uncomfortably as it had been.

I needed to get from here, and off the cold ground.

I lifted my head to look for a route of escape, and there was one, just to my side there was a gradual slope upwards out of the pit.

I supported my head with my right arm, and held the side of my face. I pushed my knees up and sat upright.

The instant pain was torture.

I tried to pull my left arm towards my body, but I was left defeated by the pain, so I let it hang, awkwardly and uncomfortably by my side.

I guided myself up the bank and when I reached the top, I staggered and fell to my knees, luckily landing and supporting myself on my right arm.

I looked over the edge and saw where I had fallen, the drop was a good six metres deep. I let out a painful sigh. I could be in much worse condition down there now, than what I am up here.

I titled my head towards sky, the sun was settled above me which meant it was around midday. It wasn't getting dark too soon at least.

I put my finger in the air.

No breeze.

I knew there would be breeze coming off the lake but I have no such luck.

I don't know where I am, let alone how far away from home.

I begin walking slowly, supporting myself with trees. I slip and slide a few times, and despite the pain in my rib cage and arm, my wrong footings don't set me back.

My mind is driven, I clench my jaw, I need to get home.

After what feels like hours, I fall down on to the base of a tree. I'm unable to move, my body sweating and aching. I'm dizzy, and I decide that it's definitely better to rest than race around dangerously unable to tell where I'm putting my feet.

I lift my finger for the fifth time, checking for breeze. There's none.

I want to avoid closing my eyes, so instead I focus on checking my injuries.

I breath deeply, there are bruises on my ribs, bumps on my legs, there could be a bloody wound on my head but I can't see, and there are no visible problems with my arm.

I have been lucky.

Then I remember why I took to the woods to start with.

Maybe I wasn't so lucky, I think. Maybe I would've been better if I hadn't of woken up. Peeta would be better without me anyway. I think of Peeta, guilt hits me hard. No Peeta doesn't want me dead, he's trying to protect me.

"Why are you not here protecting me now?" I whisper to myself, and I wince in pain.

With both, thoughts about Peeta and the agonising pain, I am brought away from my thoughts.

I need to get moving.

I stumble over towards another tree, tripping on risen roots, and I try to maintain my balance. Then suddenly my body is alert.

Noises in the distance...

Voices.

I begin to race through the trees, using up my remaining energy, I need to get them.

If I get there, I'll be safe.

Pain jolts through me like an electric current, beating and shocking with every step.

I'm nearly there.

Nearly.

I break from the trees and enter the meadow, my jaw clenched and my blood thumping with such ferocity I think I'm going to explode.

Four or five blurry people are running towards me, they're all calling out my name and shouting. Just before they reach me, my head falls to the side, my eyes cloudy with pain and I drop down into the grass before anyone can catch me.

I hear voices but no words sink in.

I'm still conscious and I open my eyes.

There are people. More people, and they're all gathered around.

Slowly their voices and the sounds around me fill my ears. Not quite enough to tell whose voice is whose but enough for me to hear whatever is being said.

Some people are calling my name, others asking others if I'm okay, or questioning what has happened, querying my injuries.

I want to scream, but I lie there, just wishing Peeta would come and help me.

As if someone could hear my thoughts, I hear a voice distinctly shout another to run and get Peeta.

My eyes keep shutting, slower and slower each time but I will myself to stay conscious.

Minutes go by and voices increase and my injuries silently scream with distress.

I clench my fist and hold my jaw tight, trying to deal with the pain.

I open my eyes and see someone who can only be Peeta, followed swiftly by another person, pushing through the people.

I say his name but no noise comes out, the look on my face is enough for anyone to tell someone is in pain.

The two men fall down either side of my body. I look directly into Peetas' eyes, loosing myself in the sea of blue.

I push my right hand up and hold Peeta's, not only gripping with the pain but because, this time, I don't ever want to let go.

He leans forward, his eyes filled with worry and concern and he kisses my forehead gently and looks over towards my left.

I follow his gaze over to Haymitch.

I want to hold his hand too, but my arm won't allow it. Instead I allow a faint, pain stricken smile cross my lips.

Peeta wraps his arm behind my shoulders and someone else helps him lift me steadily onto a wooden board. I look up into the clouds and know that I'm in a safe place now.

I must've dropped off on the journey, but now when I open my eyes, I only see a familiar bedroom ceiling and I've been placed on my bed. I daren't sit up, but instead I lift my head up gently to see if anyone's there.

Nobody.

The pain is slightly less, maybe I've been given some pain relief.

I sink my head back down into my pillows and drift back to sleep.

I'm awoken by a nightmare. I'm being chased, and suddenly there's a hole, I'm bring pushed in by Rue and Prim into a bunker of blood thirsty mutts. Peeta dives infront of me, and I see him being torn apart, right before my eyes.

I wriggle desperately and try to sit up, the pain stops me. My sheets are soaked with sweat and I'm unable to move from my position, unable to escape my nightmare.

He's safe I tell myself, it's just a nightmare.

But I need him here with me, I need my Peeta.

Only then do I realise, I'm no longer in my room.

This isn't a house, or any bedroom.

I'm moving.

I'm on the train.

And there's no telling where this train is going.


	8. Chapter 8

**sorry haven't been able to post in a while, and another big cliffhanger! I really liked writing this chapter, so I hope you like it! Reviews would be excellent, thank you for everything so far:D**

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I scream. I scream until my lungs can take no more and then I allow the hot air to fill me up again. Each scream more frantic than the last. My mind is spinning.  
Haunting memories fill my head, the hunger games. The train. It's all to much to deal with.  
My sweaty sheets hold me down, like a barrier. My ribs, my head, my arm. Pain sears through my body like lava.

The door to my confined space swings open and the cool air hits me. I stop my screaming and try and focus my breathing.  
Peeta.  
Only his face isn't full of love. It's sadness. It takes me a few moments, and then I see the tears. Peaceful and gentle, sliding down his cheeks. His eyes, filled with torment and grief.  
My eyes meet his. The panic and scared meet his sorry and anxious.  
What's happening, I shout across to him, my voice fixed with fear and confusion.

It's only seconds before three women bustle their way through the door, knocking Peeta away. "Katniss, I-" he shouts, but he's too far away.

That starts me off again. I'm so caught up in my thoughts and so bewildered by the situation, that I only realise what's about to happen when it's too late.  
The needle is in my arm, and my eyes start to close.

I can't move. Before I can say another word, I'm out. In a place where only my nightmares can hurt me. A place that is most dangerous when you're alone and when it's not possible to wake.

My sleep was disturbing and draining, the problem was that the drugs kept me under, like I was drowning and couldn't resurface. When I finally awoke daylight was streaming through the blind on the window, and there was no one in the room. I needed someone here, but the last thing I wanted was to be put back to sleep.  
My heart raced, but I lay there, thinking of thousands of reasons as to what was happening, each one more ridiculous than the last. No matter how I tried to avoid thinking of Peeta last night, his face just kept reappearing, each time looking more broken. Does he blame himself, I wondered, no, he can't. Another thought crosses my mind, I haven't had chance to tell him. To tell him that I love him.  
And depending on where I'm going, I might never get chance to tell him.

The door opens, I remain calm, resisting the urge to shout. And before I can look up, Peeta's above me. He kneels down by the side of the bed.  
"Peeta," I start, not able to keep my voice steady, "What's happening? Where are we? Where am I going?"  
He leans forward and holds my hand, his eyes this morning aren't full of tears, but he doesn't look happy either. "You're going to be fine. But well-"  
"What?"  
"You've done some significant damage to your ribs and you've probably broken your arm." His eyes shine. I can tell he's not telling me something, after all I've had bad injuries before, and they've healed okay.  
He knows we don't keep secrets anymore. So he says it. "Nobody knows how you did it or even how you managed to get out of the woods for help, because you nearly crushed an organ, Katniss. You're bleeding slowly inside, it's very dangerous, but not life threatening, not right now anyway. You're lucky to be alive."

The pain in my ribs instantly kicks in and I wince. We remain silent for a few minutes. I'm dying, slowly. Because although it's not life threatening now, it will be eventually.  
"I fell down a pit, Peeta. I ran so far into the woods and got lost, and I, I," I swallowed. "I passed out, and thought I was dead."  
His eyes reflect my pain, but he says nothing.  
"So when I woke up, I knew I had to get home. I couldn't and I wouldn't give up until I'd told you something. You see, the thing that scared me most about dying alone in the woods, was that you'd never, you'd never, know how much I-"  
I had waited to say this, but right now I couldn't get it out. There was a lump in my throat. My heart raced and I wasn't sure whether it was because I'd been told I was going to die and I had nearly died or whether I was about to tell Peeta, tell him that I loved him. After all, I had never been any good with this sort of thing.  
I looked up into his blue eyes, and it was enough to reassure anyone.  
"I love you" I whispered. Not because I didn't want him to hear, but because even though we were alone, I wanted this to be our moment. Which no one, listening or not, could interfere with.  
Peetas' eyes lit up, and a small smile crossed his lips. He leaned forward and placed a tender and soft kiss on my lips.  
"You're going to be okay Katniss, I won't allow you not to be. And I'm going to look after you, and, and..." His eyes looked sad again. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault, I shouldn't have thought I could just have walked away from you. You could've died because of me." A tear fell from his eye. I propped myself up on my elbow, and despite the pain, I tried my best to sit up. I moved my head closer to his and said "Peeta, it's not your fault, so don't you dare blame yourself." And with that I kissed him. I couldn't move my one arm but with the other I held my hand to his cheek. He kissed me back, desperately but held my back gently, in effort not to hurt me.  
He pulled away when he felt me wince, "Katniss?"  
"I'm fine," I breathed. My ribs were throbbing and he lay me back down.  
"I'll go get someone." He said, worried. He kissed my forehead lightly and turned. "I'll be back." I didn't want him to leave though, I never wanted him to leave me.  
It then suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't had an answer to the most important question. "Peeta?" I said slowly.  
He sensed danger and didn't turn around. I carried on. "Where, where are we going?" I asked slowly, as not to make any sudden noises or movements. My mind was racing. Why hadn't I asked before? I had asked the question ever so quietly, I wondered whether he had even heard me.  
"It'll be okay, I promise." He said back, reassuring himself as well as me. "I'll be back in a minute." And with that he disappeared.

The train came to a stop and terror raced through me.  
A few minutes passed, and I tried to relax, my body was having none of it. I felt like crying but attacking something at the same time, but all I could do was look up at the ceiling like a good girl. Frustration. Anger. Confusion.  
The door swung open. I wasn't letting him go without an answer this time.  
I didn't make an attempt to sit up, even raising my head was agonising now. "Peeta, what's happening?!" I shrieked. I wanted him to rush to my side, hold me, and tell me everything. "PEETA!"  
Only the voice that replied didn't belong to Peeta.

"Hello Catnip."

It belonged to Gale.


End file.
